When seeking to build confidence and self-esteem.
Often people look to external sources to aid this.
The feedback and opinions of friends and family that "make us feel good" or a compliment from a work colleague. Encouragement from someone facilitating a hobby even; that leaves you feeling good vibes.
This type of esteeming can play out in a materialistic way as well. Spending money as your soul source to feel validated ( and I am not just talking about the odd kind gift to yourself or self-care investment) - where "You" are only worth something if you have a specific look or material item and reject and berate yourself if you don't.
The polarising effect of this being, how impacted you are by the words and views of others. How much it hurts when people give views or opinions that hurt or hinder your worth.
When this happens the "vessel" of self confidence might feel depleted and you feel that need for a top up from friends/family/stuff to feel in any way "whole" again.
When we seek all validation from external sources and don't know how to do this for ourselves.
This can become a bit problematic.
One issue is that, in reality, these resources of others are not " on tap" and so if your key source of self -acknowledge comes from others and they are not available, then your left feeling empty or confused.
This plays out in scenarios such as
A friend not being available when you call, to share some good news.
The absence of feedback from your manager on a piece of work you have done
An act of kindness that goes unnoticed
Missing out/not owning something that you feel gives you worth.
These accidental rejections cut deep, and leave you saddened and disheartened and maybe questions and doubting if you are even " good enough"
The feelings that go with these thoughts, cause tension, anxiety, stress, over-whelm and can eventually fatigue your mind and body system into deep sadness, fatigue and burn out.
Of course it's nice to be surrounding ourselves with people who resource and energise our way of being in the world. But this alone is a risky path to take to self esteem and confidence.
Being your own beacon of light. Having the ability to esteem yourself. Feeling good, accepting and hopefully celebrating who you are. Isn't that how you would like to live your life?
In coaching, we call this the shifting between external referencing ( getting your source of self validation from other people/stuff) and internalised referencing - the innate connection and belief in yourself as a great and worthwhile human in the world.)
Learning to become more esteemed - to gift yourself unconditional worth - that is a new concept for many. And something most clients will want to explore in the coaching sessions together.
This transformation allows you to be kind, compassionate and loving to yourself.
It gives you the freedom to do new stuff, find cool and interesting places and people to wholly be yourself.
Maybe it begins to look like investment in a coach or course to help you personally develop your skills and confidence.
Perhaps its reframing inner negative self-talk. to be much more helpful to yourself.
It might be understanding and asserting personal boundaries with others.
Letting go of old beliefs and stories that are holding you back.
Acknowledging and identifying your assets, capabilities and skills. Celebrating what you are most grateful for for yourself and nurturing this.
Changing a job or relationship that echo's old stories of conditional worth (in which you believe you have to be or behave a specific way to obtain the validation of others and leads you to compromising self and feeling vulnerable)
If you currently lack self belief and confidence these suggestions might feel like the impossible or that you need to learn magic to make it happen.
The good news is, you can learn these ways to be comfortable and esteemed and unlearn these old thoughts, feelings and behaviours.
If you would like to learn how coaching together can help you build self esteem, be comfortable with yourself and find more ways to live yourself with ease.
You can book a discovery call to talk about online or face to face coaching at the LINK HERE
The issues discussed in this blog effect people from all walks of life and I offer coaching to a broad demographic of individuals who are looking to creative positive change in your life.