top of page

Why should I change when they are the problem?

This can be a common belief or misconception depending on how you look at it.

Why should you have to change, when you feel that it's someone else's behaviours that are impacting and causing the problem?

"Help me to change them" can be a common request from clients frustrated by colleagues, a partner, a child or a family member that is quite frankly "doing their head in". This can also feel stressful, despairing or provoke anger for you.

Those scenarios that crop up most commonly are things like:

  • Conflict at work/team dynamics

  • Poor Management

  • Differences in parenting styles

  • Neighbour or Housemates relationship breakdown

  • Friends or Family that treat you as a past version of yourself and haven't quite caught up with your changes in reaction/behaviour ( this is commonly identified as triggering the old behaviours that you may be attempting to avoid)

  • Seeing the "obvious" resolution to another persons problem and them not being ready to resolve/see this yet their self.

It's not always so simple to change another person and so it is easier to start with changing stuff that you are thinking and feeling and the things that you do to/around/about that person that result in the issue (or the way you experience it).

Change the way you think/feel/behave and this will result in ......CHANGE!

" If you always do what you've always done, then you will always get what you always got" (Anon)

By doing this you are not expected to be submissive to someone else or sit back on morals. It is however a new refreshed behaviour that creates new boundaries, dynamics and, to draw on a metaphor, a new ecosystem in which you and The Other can redefine and explore different ways of moving forward.

By giving you new resources this changes at least one of the following:

1) The way you experience the dynamic/problem - meaning less uncomfortable internal feelings and thoughts and more determination and "I got this" vibe.

2) It improves communication - gaining new ways to communicate that focus more on resolution and respect and avoid getting stuck in a lose-lose debate.

3) If you are different, then a person is most likely to do one of two things in response: A) Continue the behaviour without it affecting you B) think oooh this is different/new and ( consciously or unconsciously) change their reaction.

4) Opening up opportunities - more resources in your "toolkit" means more ways of fixing stuff and moving on. Conflict/Annoyance or frustration become less and confidence, self-assurance and resolution become more present in your life.

5) Feeling more in control of your emotions, which results in being happier.

Of course, there will be people whose behaviours, through your change, becomes escalated in the short term as you bust out those new resources and explore the strategies you have to keep yourself equipped and collaborate for change their will be resolve.

If you you don't want to change your opinion then the kindest thing you can do for yourself is at least change the way you think and feel about your experience of the issue.

For ways to explore how to manage conflict and change your experience of tricky dynamics coaching is a great place to start.

Here are a few video links to explore this concept further.

27 views0 comments


bottom of page